steven wright quotes

Steven Wright is a master of deadpan humor, delivering one-liners that are both witty and thought-provoking. His unique style has made him a beloved figure in comedy. Whether you’re looking for a laugh or a moment of reflection, his quotes never fail to hit the mark. In this article, we’ll explore some of the best Steven Wright quotes, showcasing his genius in blending humor with deep insight.

Famous Steven Wright Quotes

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright is known for his clever and memorable one-liners that have become iconic in the world of comedy. These quotes capture his unique blend of wit and absurdity, making them instantly recognizable and often quoted. This section features some of his most well-known and beloved quotes.

1. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

2. “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

3. “I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.”

4. “I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.”

5. “What’s another word for Thesaurus?”

6. “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”

7. “Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”

8. “I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.”

9. “I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

10. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

Funny Steven Wright Quotes

Wright’s humor is characterized by his dry, deadpan delivery and his ability to find humor in the most unexpected places. His funny quotes are a testament to his comedic genius, turning everyday observations into hilarious punchlines. This section highlights some of his funniest and most laugh-out-loud quotes.

1. “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

2. “Borrow money from pessimists—they don’t expect it back.”

3. “Half the people you know are below average.”

4. “99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”

5. “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

6. “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

7. “I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.”

8. “I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time.’ So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

9. “When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”

10. “If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?”

11. “I named my dog Stay, so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!'”

12. “When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.”

13. “A metaphor is like a simile.”

14. “Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”

15. “I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”

Philosophical Steven Wright Quotes

While often humorous, some of Wright’s quotes delve into deeper, more philosophical territory. These quotes reflect his unique perspective on life, blending humor with thought-provoking insights. This section explores some of his most profound and reflective quotes.

1. “The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.”

2. “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

3. “I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”

4. “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

5. “I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.”

6. “Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”

7. “I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

8. “If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”

9. “I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.”

10. “A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.”

11. “If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.”

12. “If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

13. “I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.”

14. “If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

15. “What is the speed of dark?”

16. “When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?”

17. “I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”

18. “If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”

19. “Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?”

20. “Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have an ‘s’ in it?”

Observational Steven Wright Quotes


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Wright’s talent for observational comedy allows him to turn mundane aspects of daily life into comedic gold. His keen eye for detail and the absurdities of everyday situations shine through in these quotes. This section showcases his best observational humor.

1. “I bought some instant water. But I didn’t know what to add.”

2. “Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”

3. “Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?”

4. “Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”

5. “I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”

6. “What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

7. “I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”

8. “If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”

11. “Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”

10. “Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”

11. “It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”

12. “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

13. “Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?”

Surreal and Absurd Steven Wright Quotes

Wright’s surreal and absurd humor creates scenarios that are both bizarre and hilarious. His ability to twist reality and play with the boundaries of logic makes his quotes uniquely entertaining. This section features some of his most imaginative and outlandish quotes.

1. “I was born by Caesarean section, but you can’t really tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.”

2. “I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

3. “I once walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most embarrassing thirty minutes of my life.”

4. “If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

5. “I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.”

6. “I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.”

7. “I have a hobby: I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.”

8. “Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, ‘Happy Birthday.'”

9. “I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

Inspirational Steven Wright Quotes

Despite his comedic style, some of Wright’s quotes carry surprisingly inspirational and motivational messages. These quotes offer wisdom and encouragement, wrapped in his trademark wit. This section highlights some of his most uplifting and thought-provoking quotes.

1. “It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.”

2. “For my birthday, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”

3. “If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”

4. “I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”

5. “There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

6. “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

7. “You know how it feels when you’re leaning back on a chair and you almost fall over but catch yourself just in time? I feel like that all the time.”

8. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

9. “I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.”

10. “When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said, ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’”

11. “Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

Steven Wright Quotes on Everyday Life

Wright’s observations about everyday life reveal the humor hidden in the mundane. His quotes often highlight the quirks and absurdities of daily routines, making us laugh at the familiar. This section includes some of his best takes on the ordinary aspects of life.

1. “I have a microwave fireplace. I can lie down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes.”

2. “I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.”

3. “I have a switch in my apartment that doesn’t do anything. Every once in a while, I turn it on and off. One day, I got a call from a woman in Germany who said, ‘Cut it out.'”

4. “Today, I dialed a wrong number. The other person said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello, could I speak to Joey?’ They said, ‘Uh, I don’t think so… he’s only two months old.’ I said, ‘I’ll wait.'”

5. “I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”

7. “I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.'”

8. “I locked my keys in the car the other day. It was the one time I was really glad to have a convertible.”

9. “A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.'”

10. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

11. “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”